In the dynamic landscape of childhood, every experience is a building block for future success. Watching our children play and experiment with their surroundings offers a glimpse into their boundless potential. And the key to unlocking this potential lies not just in guiding their actions but in cultivating their awareness of and belief in their own abilities. By focusing on what they know they can achieve, we open the door to endless opportunities for their growth and success.
Don’t be lulled into thinking I’m simply talking about an affirming parenting style and tell me that you’re already doing it. Read on. I’m convinced that you, like me, will be embarrassed at how many things you are doing or have done to limit your child’s potential.
I remember a scene from my own childhood, when we were visiting family on their farm and struggling to build a treehouse. My uncle, instead of giving me step-by-step instructions, simply said, “You already know how to build this. Trust yourself, and figure it out.”
That simple shift in perspective unlocked a world of possibilities for me. Today, as I sit back watching my children raise their own children, I can see how this tiny instruction can build a child with unlimited potential.
Recognizing Potential
As parents, we often focus on teaching our children what to do—how to tie their shoes, solve math problems, or navigate social situations. While these skills are important, there’s a deeper, more transformative lesson we can impart: teaching our children to know what they can do. This subtle shift in focus can cultivate a growth mindset that empowers them for life.
Consider this: When we focus solely on actions and skills, we inadvertently impose limits. Our children learn to operate within these boundaries, often internalizing them as the extent of their capabilities. Imagine the deep harm I induce when I make this seemingly loving announcement: “Johnny, you don’t know how to tie your shoelaces; let me teach you.”
However, when we teach them to recognize their potential, we open the door to limitless possibilities. Hear how the same intention becomes deeply empowering when I say, “Johnny, you already know how to tie your shoelaces; let me show you.”
Uncovering Competence
Teaching and training are not so much about imparting new skills as they are about helping children recognize the skills they already possess. When children realize their innate capabilities, the tasks they attempt seem to follow naturally. It is like uncovering hidden competence rather than installing new modules of ability. This recognition fosters confidence and a sense of mastery, transforming the learning process into an exciting journey of self-discovery.
I recall my own son, who had a box of leftover treasures—bolts, an odd assortment of cardboard and wood, broken clothes hangers, video games, and even the discarded limbs of toy soldiers and dolls that had fallen off during the rumble and tumble of childhood play. This box was his first stop every time he came up with a new idea, a new solution, or a new challenge. This same young man was determined to fly and would strap on any range of devices before jumping off the veranda in our backyard. Today, he’s a professional skydiver leading one of the world’s most respected demonstration skydiving teams.
Support and encourage kids dreaming
Here are practical ways to reframe our approach and empower our children with this same can-do mindset:
- Celebrate Discovery, not Results: Instead of saying, “Great job on getting an A,” say, “Isn’t it amazing what you discovered through your hard work?” In the shoelace example above, the discovery is that the child already knows how to tie his laces—it just took a few repetitions to show him this. This shifts the focus from mere results to the process of learning and discovery, fostering curiosity and resilience.
- Encourage Self-Belief: Instead of correcting your daughter when she spills her water all over the table, saying, “Honey, let me show you how to pour water into your cup without spilling,” say “Honey, did you know that you already know how to pour water into your cup without spilling? Let me show you.” This helps children realize their innate capabilities and builds confidence in their ability to learn and do.
- Model an Exploratory Mindset: Share your own learning experiences. Instead of saying, “I’m not good at this,” say, “I know that I can do this; I’m exploring how to get better at it.” Demonstrating that you recognize your own limitless potential and that learning is a lifelong process encourages children to see life overflowing with opportunities for growth.
- Transform Mistakes Into Learning Moments: Instead of, “You made a mistake,” say, “What does this experience teach you?” This helps children understand that mistakes are a natural part of the learning journey and are valuable for growth.
- Empower Problem-Solving: Instead of solving problems for them, say, “You already know how to do this. What are all the things you could do next?” This encourages independence and confidence, showing children they have the tools to find solutions.
- Focus on Capability, Not Just Actions: Instead of giving detailed, step-by-step instructions, encourage them to try and discover. Ask, “What do you already know that you can do to solve this problem?” Reinforce the idea that, if they can see it, they can do it. This broadens their perspective and nurtures their belief in their unlimited potential.
By adopting these reframes, we help our children internalize a belief in their own potential. They learn that their abilities are not fixed but can grow with effort, curiosity, and resilience. This shift from a fixed to a growth mindset can have profound effects on their self-confidence and clarity about their capabilities.
Consider this quote from Carol Dweck: “The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.”
The Power of Knowing
As parents, we hold the incredible power to shape our children’s beliefs about themselves. By focusing on teaching them to know what they can do, we gift them with a mindset that will serve them throughout their lives.
So, the next time you’re guiding your child, remember the power of knowing. Encourage them to explore their full innate and emergent potential, to embrace inevitable challenges, and to learn from every experience. By doing so, you’re not just teaching them what to do—you’re helping them know what they can do.
For a deeper understanding of the neuroscience behind this approach, including the role of neuroplasticity throughout your life and the transformative power of belief, refer to my previous article, “Unleashing Your Limitless Potential: The Power of Knowing.”
